Being a working mom is rough

First: holy crap, being a working mom is hard. Physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Physically, being a mother is draining. Especially a breast feeding mother, because let's face it, you can try to sleep through the night but if your baby doesn't wake you up your boobs will. So being a breast feeding, working mother is even harder because long gone are the mid-day naps and sleeping past 5:30am. Instead of being able to take time to get ready in the mornings it's now a rush to make myself presentable, nurse Eleanor or pump, and try to fit in a little breakfast (Starbucks if Im lucky enough). I swear I get less sleep now than before. 

Emotionally, I was a wreck the first day Eleanor was in daycare. I felt so guilty (which you'll know if you read the previous post) an still do. I love coming home and cuddling with her or rocking her to sleep or playing on the tummy time mat. I used to take these things for granted. 

Mentally, Im on overload. It's almost like having pregnancy brain all over again. People talk to me and I zone out, or I forget what I was going to say or do, or it takes me forever to complete a simple task. It's a lot to keep in order: the mom mind, the work mind, the girlfriend mind, etc.

Returning to work was something everyone tried to prepared me for, but ultimately was something I had to experience for myself to fully understand how it would feel. It's all so overwhelming. Thankfully I've survived the first 3 weeks so far and so has Eleanor. 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

This last week was a rough one for mama. I went back to work and Eleanor started going to daycare.

For our family daycare is unfortunately a necessary evil right now. The smarter choice for us is for me to go back to work -at least through the end of the year. It helps with insurance coverage, my FSA, and keeps me a little more sane. But that doesn't make it feel any better knowing she is in a daycare a few hours every day ...

Eleanor and Gavin at dinner Tuesday.

Lets start with Monday. I didn't go to work until Tuesday, but I wanted to do a "test run" with Eleanor and her daycare -plus I wanted to get all the emotions of leaving my child with a "stranger" out of the way. I was super unprepared for the emotional onslaught. Gavin was just about to leave for work and I was getting ready when I suddenly just lost it. I couldn't stop sobbing about not wanting her to go to daycare and how I was gonna miss so much in her life and I was a bad mom for not staying home. Gavin was awesome (he usually is in these situations) and took Eleanor to daycare for me, even though it meant he was late for work. He took a bullet and was "the bad guy" who dropped her off at daycare and I got to be the one that rescued her.

Gavin and Eleanor "suited up" for the day.

Tuesday and Wednesday were much better. I went back to work and tried to get back into my old groove. It was easier to be away for so long knowing Eleanor was at home with her Daddy all day, especially since Gavin kinds rocks the whole Dad thing. I'll admit that it was kinds nice being KARIE again for a few hours and not just Eleanor's mom/meal/diaper changer.

Thursday and Friday were a bit harder knowing Eleanor was at daycare. No one takes care of my child like I do, so of course I'm going to worry and wonder. Are they comforting her when she cries? Do they know what her hunger signs are? do they know they have to feed her at an angle so her reflux isn't as bad? Is her diaper being changed when the line turns blue? They're only giving her the breast milk I sent right? They're not leaving her unattended are they? Are other people holding her? Are the other kids being nice and gentle? So many questions going through my head until I finally have her back. 4pm never seems to come fast enough anymore.

Tummy time with Mama!

Going back to work and being away from my baby has definitely given me a new appreciation for the time I have with her and makes the day-to-day routines we have feel a bit more special. I love getting on the floor with her for tummy time and having our little "babble chats" and just rocking her to sleep. Nursing her doesn't seem like such a chore anymore.

Maybe in the future I'll get to spend my days with her again, but for now I try to cherish those little moments I had started to take for granted.

But I don't wanna go to daycare ...

I start work next Tuesday and I feel completely conflicted about it already. It's a conundrum I'm sure many working moms have dealt with: I wanna go back to work, re-join the adult world, and have more mental stimulation than I've had the last eight weeks; but on the flip side I really don't want to leave my baby girl with some other person for hours at a time.

 Ugh.

Originally I was supposed to start work on Monday, but after thinking about the emotional turmoil I'm going to be in, I decided to start work on a day when I know Eleanor will be home with Gavin so I can focus on work instead of Eleanor being in daycare -the real emotional overload will come Thursday when she goes to daycare and I'm at work.

I know it isn't the worse thing that could happen, and she'll only be in daycare three days a week because Gavin is off two weekdays and I'm off weekends. Gavin and I have talked about me being a stay-at-home mom, but it just works for best for our family right now if I go back to work -mainly for insurance purposes. And I'm a woman who needs to be mentally challenged in some way -school or work- in order to stay sane. Staying home is a possibility in the future, so we'll see where we are in the coming months.

Wish me luck next week. And wish Gavin luck, as he's the one who will have to drop her off at daycare.

How are we supposed to leave this beautiful face everyday?